Daniel Chapman | Writing etc

Leeds United 1-0 Bolton Wanderers

And the players came out on the pitch and everyone in the crowd was like, ‘ROOOAAARRR’ and I don’t know how the players weren’t frighted cos it was dead loud and it must have been louder where they were cos they were in the middle and we were at the side. And the crowd was shouting ‘ROOOAAAARRR’ and that’s how we knew the game was going to begin. And it was Leeds against Bolton in the Championship and the winner would free Princess Kisnorba from the space castle where she had been imprisoned by the evil Fergzos so it was dead important that Leeds won cos if Bolton won they wouldn’t be able to free her cos they don’t have spaceships in Bolton so they can’t go into space which is where Fergzos’s castle is but if Leeds won they could do it cos there’s loads of spaceships in Leeds cos Leeds is MINT.

And all the players were running after the ball and it was dead exciting and Sam Byram came near us and I shouted “Go on Sam!” cos he’s my favourite players cos he’s dead young but he’s skilful as well and he should be captain and play up front I reckon he’d score about a thousand goals well maybe not a thousand but he’d score LOADS.

So I shouted “Go on Sam!” and he looked at me and he said “Thanks for your support, Moscow. It’s important that you help us, because without your help we can’t save the princess.” And I said “I know Sam I’ll do anything I can to help.” And so Sam said “Here are Danny Pugh’s boots. We’re going to take Lee Peltier off so you can play.” And I was like WOOOOOOWWWW I’m playing for LEEDS UNITED!!!!!!

So I played up front and I was playing with El Hadji Diouf and Luciano Becchio and Ross McCormack and we were trying our best but it was really hard cos Bolton kept heading the ball away and no matter how hard we tried we couldn’t get the ball and score any goals. So at half time we went into the dressing room and Neil Warnock was there and he threw a cup of tea at somebody and he said “We have to save Princess Kisnorba from the evil Fergzos otherwise she’ll die in space and it will be night time forever.” So they were all trying to think of a plan when Rudy Austin says “I know a plan that always worked in Jamaica when we had to save princesses” and Neil Warnock says “What’s the plan?” and Rudy Austin says “Your four strikers combine into a massive mega-robot that the other team can’t defeat and cos it’s so strong you win the game and you rescue the princess from outer space.”

Everyone said “that’s a brilliant plan Rudy” and they were all happy they were going to win but then Paddy Kenny says “wait but we’ve only got three strikers Luciano Ross and Dioufy” and then Sam Byram says “but that’s why I asked Moscow to play cos Rudy told me about his plan and I knew he could play as a striker and now we have four we can play with a massive mega-robot in the second half” and everyone said “Brilliant idea Sam!” and David Haigh came into the dressing room and he said Sam could have a pay rise and everyone was cheering and it was GREAT.

So we went out for the second half and as we were going out Ross McCormack says to me “Sssssh don’t tell the Bolton players about our plan” and Kevin Davies the Bolton player heard and he said “what’s your plan” and I said “I’m not going to tell you it’s our secret and we’re going to win the game” and Kevin Davies said “you’re not going to win the game we are no matter what your plan is and we’ll free Princess Kisnorba” and I said “you can’t free her because there aren’t any spaceships in Bolton so you can’t go to Fergzos’s castle” and Kevin Davies said “yeah well we’ll build some” and I said “yeah course you will” and Ross McCormack said “good one Moscow you showed him”.

So the second half kicked off and after twenty minutes Rudy Austin said “Right it’s time – DO THE PLAN” and so me and Becchio and Diouf and McCormack all ran at each other and we jumped in the air and went BLAM! and there was an explosion and when the dust cleared we were inside a massive mega-robot and we were all in the cockpit. The Bolton players were all like “Oh no what is that!” and Dioufy started firing lasers at them. And then Kevin Davies said ‘Right let’s do our own plan” and four of the Bolton players combined into a big robot as well and it had a head like Kevin Davies and he looked at our robot and he said “NOW WE WILL DO BATTLE”

So it was the Leeds robot against the Bolton robot and the Bolton robot was really strong and we fired lasers at it PIOW PIOW but it still stood up and was punching us with big metal fists that went KLANG KLANG and Becchio was saying “OH NO I think we might lose” but then Sam Byram came in a fighter jet and he said “I didn’t tell you I had a fighter jet” and everyone in the ground was like ROOOAAARRR and he started firing at the Bolton robot. And in the cockpit of our massive mega-robot we got a message on the TV screen from Princess Kisnorba and she said “Please save me from Fergzos’s castle! Don’t let Bolton win they don’t have any spaceships!”

And then the Bolton robot EXPLODED and there was fire everywhere and Neil Warnock said we couldn’t have beaten Bolton without you Moscow and he gave me a medal and all the players said I was the best player. And they went to space to get Princess Kisnorba and my dad said it was time to go and did I enjoy the game and I said it was the BEST GAME EVER and he said did I enjoy Becchio’s penalty and I said “what penalty”. THE END.


From The Square Ball magazine 2012/13 issue six.